rumor 2


Thanks to the miracle of an Israeli time machine, Larry King succeeds in uniting Hitler, Sitting Bull, and Farfour to take part in a week-long, five-part soundbite extravaganza called I Heard A Rumor on PBS – just as the homeless little network is about to go under because of lack of funding.

The following excerpt is from Part 4.

Hitler: …yeah, it’s true, my book lead to a lot of bad press for the German people – and for European texts in general in the rest of the world, but Farfour, seriously… your unauthorized biography… what is it again? – Ass Gerbil?… What a disgraceful piece of sensationalism. It’s just 400 pages of rimming and caca jokes.

Farfour: Let’s not go there again, Adolph. And… well… it’s a bit ironic that you – of all people – would resort to attacking my character based on a poor translation of a forged biography. As if you are in any position to judge someone based on the propaganda of an opponent. Like I said yesterday, I didn’t write the fucking book – I wasn’t even asked to contribute!  It was written by that wealthy translator… that MEMRI guy… and they are well documented…

Sitting Bull: (interrupting) Can we not get into another book-hating JO session, you two. I feel like we’re missing a real opportunity to really get to know each other’s stories, instead of just attacking each other for 23 prime time minutes while our sponsor slowly goes under. We’re acting like caged animals here rather than like the free people we really are. We’ve been given a real opportunity to get some brilliantly nuanced historical information out there, and to save a popular and democratic medium at the same time!

*Sioux translator whispers something to Sitting Bull*

ass gerbil 2

Hasselman’s unauthorized biography explores the foamadermic mouse’s secret sexual liaisons with Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein

Larry King: (looks out at audience) You’re the reason we do this, folks. You’re watching I Heard A Rumor in your comfortable living rooms because of generous donations from yourselves.

So whether you’re sitting in a lay-z-boy recliner watching Hitler give it to Farfour, or recording Sitting Bull to watch with your native friends later, remember to pledge as much as you can. Qualified canvass-workers are standing by the phones. We’re going out to the Lincoln, Nebraska phone team right now to talk a bit with Sherry Hathburne in Accounts Receivable…

*cuts to Sherry Hathburne in Accounts Receivable*


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