Bear Wars 1

wars 1


“Razor-Claw missiles armed and ready for launch?”

“Affirmative. Launch in 10, 9…”

General Escalade hadn’t wanted it to come to this. The Polar Bear Defense League (PBDL) was a non-profit, charitable organization – and its original grant application talked about climate change chats with junior high school students, pamphlets at malls – education and community type of things. They raised their first bit of cash selling plain vanilla cookies door to door.

But everything changed when Exxon moved into the ANWAR. That’s when the Board of Directors started saying very different things and planning very different activities.

The critical political change came after Exxon gave billions of dollars to the governments of the US, England and Australia to officially merge Exxon with the Anglo-Saxon “race” to create an ethnic/corporate conglomerate – Anglo-Exxon. This new hybrid would need a foe to try to conquer, and the polar bears were an obvious target because they were unarmed and owned absolutely no media or lawyers.

Then there was the NATO bombing of the last remaining polar-bear-friendly ice sheets north of the drilling zone. Anglo-Exxon proudly advertised this destruction as mankind’s way of “preparing the way for a prosperous northern freedom-zone.” Meaningless words that nonetheless stimulated the TV audience – convinced them they were one step closer to a room temperature heaven.


“Razor-claws set to reach targets in 11 minutes,” the young and well-meaning bear cub says to his superior standing next to him talking to Thomas Dolby on his cell.

“I wouldn’t want to be living the burbs when these babies start to land,” General Escalade confides. Showing a bit of sympathy to the victims of their bombing campaign helps everyone deal with the carnage that will soon follow, though the most effective strategy for coping with the collateral damage is to remind yourself of all the harm these humanoid oil-fiends would have provoked if they’d been left to live. The general’s soothing words are that – even though you can wave your right arm and kill a million humans – you are still a nice bear deep down.

Basking Ridge, New Jersey is the first suburb to be hit. The smell of raw fish and fresh commuter’s blood fills the streets with the sweet but sickly scent of polar bear revenge. Hey, isn’t that the luckiest commuter in New Jersey crossing an overpass just before it crumbles?

(Watch for “Bear Wars 2,” coming soon to a blog near you)


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