Those Amazing Arbocaros

Fake History arbocaro


For three and a half centuries, the Arbocaros were the most powerful religious group on earth. Their Golden Period ended when a series of tragic tree illnesses wiped out most of their agriculture and housing stock.


Prior to their crystallization as a caste and high-end cult in Southern Europe, the Arbocaros existed as a collection of tree-sacrificing cults in North Africa, but they were without a coherent organization or their own unique social stratum.

The Great Text

Like any society striving for greatness and domination, Arbocarism needed a book and an ideology. And in the year 456 BCE, Elam Cartiz of what would later become Portugal wrote a long and beautifully crafted text about how the squaring of trees would finally set mankind free. He argued for a rational approach to sculpting nature into perfect geometric shapes.

In the heady years following the publication of The Great Text, the thriving Arborcaro minority of Oporto worked tirelessly, squaring all the trees and shrubs in their own exclusive section of the city. Recalcitrant neighbors with round trees were encouraged to either square them like everyone else, or risk being driven out of the area by gangs of Arbocaro vigilantes wearing gardening bags over their heads.

hero doll

The Great Slave Branch’s Hero Doll celebrates the important role of these historic vigilantes in purifying their communities

The Arbocaros were sure that their rigidity of ritual would help them escape the boring monotony of normal human society, and that it would set them apart from the mediocre people they lived in fear of becoming if they let their trees get shaggy and ungeometric.

For followers, it was important that the Great Arbocaro God see His followers as better than other people – high end – top drawer. Otherwise, what would be the point of all that effort? Of all of those slaughters and animal sacrifices? Of all those dead trees?

And while the submission of the Great Slave Branch to the superior Arbocaros was an unspoken reality, both branches put their ideology ahead of their personal happiness, family, or community. It was all or nothing, square or nothing.

Impressing Monarchy: The Great Slave Arbocaros

The monarchy took notice. After years of traveling on private Arbocaro roads, the royal family grew to appreciate their gardening skills, and the royal court began to commission select Arbocaro families to take care of the rapidly expanding royal gardens. The Arbocaro elite eventually hired local slaves to do the actual physical trimming, but the original elite remained in charge of the management of the entire tree-trimming project. This elite insisted that “it was written” that they stay in charge, and to prove their dedication to their faith, they converted their slaves to another branch of Arbocarism – The Great Slave Branch.

It was while watching the Great Slave Arbocaros work that the king realized how devoted they were, what great arms they developed from all that trimming, and how sexually active they were from being in such good physical shape. Sexual activity produced more tree-trimming Great Slaves for the elite to harness in gardening, and in wars against other nations.

Mandatory Faith

In 187 BCE, young Portuguese king Fernando IV mandated that everyone in the city of Oporto become a practicing Great Slave Branch Arbocaro. And that’s why – to this day – most people in Portugal and Brazil are Great Slave Arbocaros rather than practicing an Abrahamic faith.

Click for fake history


Tags: , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: