President Ann Monrovia

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Ann’s handlers are worried. The cover of this month’s Time magazine features a gorgeously cropped Annie Leibovitz photograph of starving Nebraska farmers who – as the story inside explains – have been cannibalizing one another and then swallowing insecticide to kill themselves.

But one of the more optimistic (and less empathic) public relations consultants – a brilliant fund-raiser named Brandon Vapidinski – commissions an eye-watering speech for this presidential crisis.  Before President Ann delivers it, the Oval Office’s marketing people hold focus groups to make sure the speech will change public opinion in a way that helps her approval ratings.

“Whenever I’m feeling bad about myself,” Ann faux-candidly tells the charmed TV audience, “I like to go out and buy a whole new outfit, from top to bottom. Sometimes, high price doesn’t matter when you’re feeling low.”

These words will be covered by all major media outlets. And for weeks afterward, teachers in the private schools in the few states that still have childhood education will ask students to explain what these words mean “in your own words”. 

The new outfit that Ann deploys has been strategically crafted by a cabal of international designers. It’s obvious that they’ve done their homework. Ann’s stunning shoes are brilliantly carved leather tributes to manifest destiny, and the rest of her outfit has been tailored to fit the contours of Ann’s PR needs, rather than just her perfectly-doctored figure. Even her watch yells out for approval and respect as she pushes back her ample bangs with her left forearm.

“I think that the more depressed you are, the more you should spend on fashion,” she later tells David Letterman, while sitting beside Henry Winkler on his show. At one point, while she’s sharing a scripted personal story, the Fonz places one of his hands on Ann’s thigh and says “Aayyy…” to rowdy applause.

Ann abruptly wakes up, her friend Pam sitting beside her holding a plastic bowl and a jar of Miracle Whip. “You must have eaten too many pizza pockets and passed out, Ann. You kept saying ‘fifth amendment’ and giggling while you were out.”

“I dreamed I was the president of the USA and got to buy marshmallows again.” In her dream, marshmallows had been extinct for two decades, along with barbecue sauce and cheeze ritz.

Ann’s Eleventh Grade essay assignment is sitting next to her bed in a plastic Starsky and Hutch satchel.

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Why I want to be president

By Ann Aipac Monrovia

Submitted to:

Mrs. Polegato

Eleventh Grade Enriched English,

Deering High, Portland, April 4, 1979

I have always wanted to help people be the best they can! For that reason, I always thought I’d make a fine president, or even a decent two-termer like Richard Nixon or Alexander Graham Bell.

“What? A woman president? Wouldn’t that give everyone cooties?” you’re probably wondering.

The answer is no, it would not. My being a woman is just a way to show the guys that whatever he can do, we can do better! And I can do this without burning a bra or smoking a joint!

Upper middle class women are just as capable of being James Bond as the guys are! A female prez could just as competently use American foreign policy to help less educated people in poor countries learn valuable life lessons with the help of Q and our military. You don’t have to have snails and puppy-dog tails for brains to do something clever like that. You just need to want to help other people.

In conclusion, I think a girl president would be nicer to people but still able to carry on the torch of American Destiny. And then we wymyn will finally be free from the kitchen and bathroom, and all the other rooms of the houses we will no longer keep.


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