FMJ wins the Nobel Prize for Marketing

FMJ prize

soundtrack

Celebrity intellectual Tish Steinberg – the seductive spokesmodel of the PETA think tank – ends her three-hour presentation with this:

Tish:All of us at the Morality Institute are proud to present the results of our year-long study! Our team of world-class Fashionologists have concluded that mammal nudity leads to civilization-threatening levels of immoral and destructive behavior. We urge all responsible governments all over the free world to immediately restructure their societies by making clothing mandatory on all mammals within their borders.”

For Passover Textiles, every shekel of Morality Institute funding was well invested. In the next few days, all the newspapers the corporation owns will print the findings of this highly respected think tank, and Passover Textiles will be made the official animal-clothier of cities, towns and wildlife refuges in every city with a McDonald’s.

Back in Jerusalem, Cynthia is worried about scheduling.

Cynth: “But Jesus, how the fuck are you going to appear at a fashion runway with PETA fund-raisers in Hebron at 3 pm, and then fly off to receive your Nobel Prize for Marketing two hours later? That leaves you five fucking minutes to take off, land, and get your hair prepped for the presentation ceremony. Shouldn’t you at least warn your cousin in Norway that you might be late?”

FMJ: “A star doesn’t warn. A star sets the agenda. Those geek bitches can wait an hour or they can kiss my queer ass.”

He practices his speech.

FMJ: “Someone at the sauna suggested that animals are sinful and that their young probably get harmed morally by seeing their parents and siblings’ sex organs. Five minutes later, I had PETA on the line with a billion-shekel offer…. And now, here I am, accepting this prize for Marketing – and for marketing something as lucrative as social morality, I might add.”

Cynthia interrupts FMJ and hands him the latest edition of the Alternative Hebrew Times. Bernie Silverberg has been using his editorial space to accuse the Nobel Prize jurors of being “shallow social-climbers who are kissing a pariah’s ass to move up in the world of Academia.”

Bernie concludes: “…many of the judges are probably pining for a cushy PETA think-tank position of their own.” Recently, in a shocker story, Bernie’s news magazine reveals that the head thinkers at Free Market Jesus’s privately-owned tank make more money than the presidents of any of the nation states they monitor and influence.

FMJ: “Bernie’s just sore because I don’t advertise in his low-volume rag. I could own his fucking toupee if I wanted it. But I let him rant on and on about me because…well… his is a kind of publicity that even huge bags of sweatshop money can’t buy.

His editorial bitching just makes me look more human to my loyal followers. I just hope bitch shows up to my Nobel ceremony tomorrow so that it gets all the press coverage it deserves…uh…that I deserve.

God among men. God among men…”

And with that, FMJ flicks his pastel-lilac cape and hops into a Mazda Miata.

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