Squirrel Express

squirrel express


“Daddy, what’s a pinner?” asks Cindy between gulps of simulated soy-milk.

“Cindy honey, I thought you were asleep. Did you hear Mommy and Daddy telling college stories?”

“Daddy, can we go to the park and make sure the squirrels are alright?”

At her elementary school that day, Cindy and her class watched a documentary about squirrels and how they might be the next victims of climate-caused extinction. According to the Squirrelologists in the video, permanent winter was proving to be more deadly to their survival then the century-long rainy summer that preceded it.

At recess after the movie, Cindy heard other bears skipping and chanting: “How many squirrels did the weather kill? One million… Two million… Three million…” She went behind a tree and cried.

“Okay, honey. If you’re that worried about those poor little furries, how about if we go feed them in Humanity Memorial Park?”

Cindy hugs him. “Oh, Daddy! I’ll get dressed right away!”

squirrel express small


Rusty looks in the refrigerator for something that squirrels might like to eat and finds cranberries leftover from a Xmas tree decorating party.

As Cindy whisks down the stairs, Daddy hands her the bag, and then they slide down the ice hill all the way to the giant, broken statue of Sam Walton at the entrance gate of Humanity Memorial Park.

As they enter the park, a few very lean black squirrels pop their heads out of trees to see what’s going on.

Cindy sees a single squirrel approaching cautiously, opens the bag of cranberries and begins to toss them – one at a time – on the ground. She leaves lots of space between them so they don’t fight.

Within minutes, there are a dozen squirrels circling around the two polar bears. A few minutes later, there are hundreds.

The gang of hungry squirrels starts to hiss and lunge at the bears’ paws. Cindy tries to scream when a squirrel scratches the fur off her the middle toe of her left paw, but she’s too frightened to let enough air escape. She stands there – frozen – unable to close her mouth or run.

“Daddy, they’re… everywhere. I’m really scared.”

“Don’t worry, Cind. We’re the mightiest and most blood-thirsty animals left on earth.”

“Daddy, they look more everything-thirsty than us.”

Rusty and little Cindy throw the rest of the bag of cranberries onto the icy ground and run home where they bolt-lock the door and put a refrigerator against it.


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