Archive for the ‘Das Qaturday’ Category

Squeaky Toys: the review

April 24, 2021

A Duckland book review :
Michel Foucat – “Squeaky Toys and Submission”
with Daffy Duck and Ibn Battuta


DD : Ibn, I know you have some qualms about the methodology and some of the conclusions, but wouldn’t you agree that this is, nonetheless, a great philosophical work?

IB : When I first dove into Squeaky Toys, I was a bit blinded by the fact that this is Michel Foucat, with all that it entails. I enjoyed reading it, but kind of slept through it. But after reading it a second and then a third time, I was more able to see some of the possible flaws in his research.

DD : Such as?

IB : Well Daffy, in the second chapter, Foucat quips that “When you gaze into the dog too long, the dog gazes back into you.” And he then goes on to explain how the enslaving of dogs had a way of normalizing slavery in general, especially what he calls squeaky toy-enhanced slavery. He posits that humans were more able to accept their own social slavery by enslaving a smaller animal than themselves.

DD : And do you disagree with this?

IB : I don’t want to say whether I agree or not. I’m hardly qualified to describe the relationships between humans and dogs. But my issue is – neither is Foucat. Humans have been extinct for over a century, so most of what he has deduced about the interspecies relationships between them is based on second-hand research, often written by dogs or cats. I mean, if we ducks ever go extinct, will wolves write our stories for us? I certainly hope not.

DD : But isn’t this normal methodology when you’re writing about historical periods and extinct species? Don’t we have to enter into historical data and records that we can’t really support with personal experience?

IB : Of course. But one has to be careful about making pat statements about other species’ historical relationships when you have never actually witnessed their interaction yourself. There are limits to what can be constructed on hearsay, even if the hearsay is complex and vast. Everything that the author describes, aghast, about the meek sycophancy of dog pets, is written from a cat-centric point of view, based on dog-written texts. In the author’s conclusions, the biases are likely to be more of a factor than the actual details of the research.

DD : On the other hand, all books tell the story from their author’s point of view, no?

IB : Yes, but Michel Foucat isn’t just any author. He’s a cat, and cats have had a personal experience with human submission, as well as a complicated relationship with the dog world for many centuries. So he’s not only relying too much on indirect research, but he’s also part of a community that is not neutral in the matters of which he writes. For ducks like us, this species bias is important to recognize because of our own mitigated relationship with the feline species.

DD : Are there any other examples of possible research-contaminating bias in the book?

IB : One other springs to mind. In the chapter entitled Spoiled! he contrasts the plush and colorful toys that dogs are given as tokens of affection – with the control of their bathroom breaks, torture-based training, solitary confinement, and other enslavement conditions. He concludes that these toys are primarily to make the wicked human master feel less guilty about robbing the dog of all his dignity and freedom.

DD : Yes, he goes on to say that, in many ways, dogs were themselves a squeaky toy for humans – along with pickup trucks and diamond rings – and that dogs were aware of this. But back to your point, Ibn – in what way is this contaminated with bias?

IB : Well, Daffy, contaminated might not be the best word here. But once again…I…um… some of the conclusions that Foucat comes to – like that squeaky toys were mainly a tool of human guilt-management – is made without a real grasp or description of human psychology. We duck readers are just supposed to assume that humans would feel guilty about enslaving another species, and that a squeaky toy would help.

This may be the author projecting duck and cat levels of empathy onto a long-gone human species. Not surprisingly, Foucat has been accused by many academics of being “Felinist” in the way he selects historical data to paint a very specific portrait of his own species.

DD : Wow! Thank you, Ibn.

We’ll be back with more of this review of Michel Foucat’s “Squeaky Toys and Submission” after these words from our sponsors.


click for more das qaturday

The Grape Vine

October 12, 2020


Guest column by Yuri Raisinstein, award-winning author of The Grape Advantage: Us versus Anarchy

Sustainable? Cuke-o-phobic?

Feline colleagues often ask me how I can justify living a comfortably lazy life as a Grape Monkey, enjoying delicious sweet treats by just snapping my fingers, while most other monkeys have to make do on a diet of mainly dried out cucumber, and work for most of their waking hours. Why do I get free time and ripe grapes, while others get dried out cucumbers and burnout?

Let me start by saying that many other species also reserve different diets for various classes of their species. Grapes for some, cucumbers for others – it’s the way we primates roll. Just look that other famous primate, the human being:

Humans had some castes that ate lentils (Dalit, or untouchables), and other classes that ate better-prepared kosher food, or some (the 1%) who could even limit their diet to catered, well-branded food in trendy third spaces.

So dietary difference (Vive la différence!) has always been an acceptable way of creating the unique individuality that adds so much meaning and drama to Grape life.

Roots of the the Great Grape Culture

Grape Monkey culture started in the 20th Century when our Great Prophet – Frans de Waal – fed a few of our sacred ancestors – Experimental Monkeys 1 and 2 – grapes, while feeding other less high-end monkeys cucumbers for performing the exact same tasks. To this day, almost all Grape Monkeys have pictures of Frans-the-Father hanging in their bedrooms and offices.

Gilded Pictures of Frans the Father

On that Holy Day that we remember in the Gilded Picture, Father Frans alloted to Monkey 1 the cucumber of shame – the vegetable of losers and suckers, while our great-ancestor Monkey 2 received the Holy Grape of the Laboratory Sample – or what is commonly called the Holy Sample.

When Monkey 1 got angry and began to act aggressively, Frans-the-Father smiled knowlingly and scientifically, and looked favorably at Monkey 2’s plexiglass cage. This smile (the Smile of the Selected – החיוך של הנבחר) is why we Grape Monkeys get to live more high-quality lives than the rejected cukes ever will. We recite this inspiring story to one another almost every day before the First Grape (Primum Uva – 6 am). And the Gilded Picture captures that famous smile.

Cucumber’s sad Decline

In the last few decades, Cucumber terrorist organizations like Cuke-nuke and Pickle-o-thon have destroyed thousands of these framed pictures while stealing billions of dollars of grapes and grape juice reserves. But we hope that new laws forbidding cucumber monkeys from gathering in groups of more than six might improve things crime-wise. Likwise, the decision to tatoo cucumber monkeys and implant security chips in their arms are promising initiatives – lots of new ideas are circulating that could keep Grape culture alive for eternity, like it says “will be” in The Holy Book of the Grape (كتاب العنب المقدس).

And I don’t think that the inequality question is as important as media make it sound. In the latest surveys, Grape Monkeys suggest that the state of cucumber-monkeys concerns only 4 % of the population – well below other issues like grape prices and wine quality. And the lack of education or functional family units in Cuke settlements seems to point to an evolutionary difference that simply renders them incapable of enjoying Grape High Culture.

Faith in Our Shared Grapeness

It may be true that the humans let themselves fall into extreme inequality, and that the loss of shared empathy destroyed their ability to care for one another and ended up driving their own species to extinction. But Grape Monkeys will never let cucumber terrorism sink us to that level. We look to Frans-the-Father to lead us into the paradise that grape consumption assures us all, in the name of the Bloom, the Pulp, the Skin, and the Sacred Seeds.


click for more das qaturday

Sheep Media

May 12, 2020

Das Qaturday Sheep Medea

They never wanted to return to their prison.
So Mike would target the oldest female, Medea, for coaxing


I was foraging for an old ball of string in the attic, when I found this old diary of a human “shepherd” named Mike. A shepherd, by the way, was a type of human slave-master for another species – in this case, sheep. This kind of human slave-master – a shepherd – would control dozens or even hundreds of another mammal species in order to shave off their hair or kill them and eat their muscle tissue.

Mike was the master of fourteen sheep, mostly females, and only one of these animal slaves was black. Every day, Mike would take the sheep out of their confinement pen, and lead them to an open field. They were always thrilled to get out and needed no convincing or prodding to leave confinement.

Once he was far away from the crowds at the historic park, Mike would slip his earbuds on and take his prisoners to some faraway patch of green grass. Once there, it was time to lay on the grass listening to Adam and the Ants, while the sheep peacefully enjoyed the saladosphere that human hero Mike had found for them.

To get them back to their confinement compound at the end of the day was much more difficult. It’s like they never wanted to return to their prison. So Mike would target the oldest female, Medea, for coaxing.

Medea was the mother of more than half of the other sheep, and the grandmother of a few of the others, so she was the one that most of the other sheep listened to and respected. Most of them had been fed directly by Medea when they were lambs so she was the go-to sheep to manipulate if you wanted to influence all the other sheep.

Ad revenu

When it was time to get the sheep back into confinement, Mike would simply push Medea’s head into a bucket of delicious grain and dried fruits, and she would then baaah loudly. “Baa-aaah!”

What this means, in our Modern Feline language, is “Food, this way! Food this way!” Medea could hardly breathe between baa-aahs and mouthfuls of the delicious morcels of oats, dried raisins and parsley.

Of course, her baahing was problematic. What she was really saying was “Food for me this way!” For her and her alone.

But Sheep dialects being what they were back in those days – the baahing wasn’t sophisticated enough to communicate the “for me” part of the exclamation. So while she meant “Delicious food for me this way! Yahoo!,” all the sheep heard was “Delicious food this way, yahoo!”

(Today, of course, Sheep are schooled to differentiate between “for me” and “for us” when they baaah. But this story is from a human diary written a hundred years before human extinction, so it’s Olde Sheep, as opposed to Modern Sheep baaahing.)

Once they got back into their lockdown pens, they would find the same boring feeding boxes full of the same dry, boring hay. They fell for this trick every single time, believing that the words of Medea – in the way that they understood them – were like a family gospel.

This small sheep community lived through the same false hope for delicious food  followed by the same disappointing dry hay each and every day. But they all felt that to not respect and follow Medea’s inarticulate baahing was like treason against group solidarity and family ties. No one wanted to be seen as an outsider who didn’t respect “family.” Even if that meant following a flawed understanding of that family member time and time again to the same dead end.

Mike called the specially mixed combination of grains and fruit that he gave Medea each day “Advertising Revenue.”

(A year later,  the sheep all contracted a fatal illness from the lead-based paint on their feeder and died. Their fur was shaved off of their dead carcases, but humans didn’t dare to eat their contaminated muscle and fat tissue.)


click for more das qaturday

Michel Foucat interviews Wile E. Coyote

February 26, 2014

Das Qaturday coyote interview

“The wolf is represented as a despicable creature so that its lifestyle can be destroyed with impunity by fable-brainwashed humans.”


MF: Welcome to the show, Mr. Coyote. Now, a lot of the dog breeds we know seem to resemble the wolf. I’m thinking of the Husky and German Shepherd, for example. Have wolves historically been tempted to try a life of domesticated doghood? Perhaps on a temporary basis at first, perhaps guarding some kind of human outpost temporarily for an isolated human pioneer type?

WC: Not on your life. On the surface, it probably looked tempting to many naive wolves because of the reputed longer lifespan of the house dog. But what exactly did this long, long life entail? Sitting on a Disney-themed cushion all day in a human house that smells like antiseptic cleaning products and overly-prepared food? The final response was always an overwhelming no thanks. Prison is prison, and a longer life in one is just a longer sentence.

MF: Well, as a feline that comes from a long line of alley cats, I can relate to what you’re saying.

*smiles and sips a glass of water*

But what about all the human texts about what a dangerous and possibly lethal brute your species was to humans when they existed? I realize human stories about all other animals were always exaggerated and self-serving to their nature-loathing elites. But why was the wolf feared in a particularly strong way by that propaganda-addicted species for so long?

WC: It was mostly about being scapegoated for human enslavement to their own elites and their artifice. Humans always felt vaguely scared and unsatisfied, and their elites were afraid they would end up blaming them. So they got them to blame other species instead. One of their most powerful tools was their texts, of course. And there were a lot of really incendiary human texts written about wolves.

MF: You’re talking about Little Red Riding Hood and the Three Little Pigs, for example?

WC: Yeah. Particularly Riding Hood. Her “cookies for grandma” persona and hot-button “red coat” made her a portrait of the totally innocent victim of evil. And of course, the wolf plays that evil role so that both her and her grandmother look angelic by comparison. Pure evil versus pure goodness, featuring a red coat. The product placement ought to be a tell-tale sign of where this story is going.

Michel and Wile

MF: You were saying during the commercial break that wolves rarely killed or even approached humans if it was avoidable.

WC: Uh-huh. The only two scenarios that would have lead to a wolf attacking a human were either 1. a female would find her cubs in danger and would lash out to protect them – perfectly normal for all species. Or, 2. A human would attempt to steal the prey of a pack of hungry wolves before they had finished eating it. Humans called this prey “surplus labor” when they stole it from other humans.

MF: Yes, and how is this “surplus labor” concept related to the fables you mentioned?

WC: The wolf is represented as a despicable creature so that its lifestyle can be destroyed with impunity by fable-brainwashed humans. This allowed humans to cut down our forests to build strip malls and suburban bungalows with no other purpose other than to destroy our habitats and, ultimately, our existence.

MF: Yes, a very twisted wordview indeed. To end on a positive note, would you like to tell us about the altered versions of Red Riding Hood that your fifth grade students proposed as better and more accurate moral tales?

WC: Well, I’ll just share the winning one with the audience. Clarence Cano submitted that the story would end with the wolf warning Red Riding Hood that her grandmother had type A diabetes, and that the high-fat, high-sugar cookies were a potential threat to her health. Riding Hood then hits him over the head with her iron basket, and runs off to poison her grandmother with the cookies. Later, when the police arrive to perform an autopsy, it’s revealed that Riding Hood was the old lady’s only heir.

MF: Well Mr. Wile E. Coyote, thanks for coming in to talk to us here at Das Qaturday.

WC: It was my pleasure. I’m a huge fan, Michel.

*audience applauds*


click for more das qaturday

Domestication and Survival

October 17, 2013

Das Qaturday domestication

“Humans and wolves are too multidimensional to tolerate
a life of environment-impacting specialization.
Ants thrive like this, yes. But not complex mammals.”


“Enslave another and you have enslaved yourself and destroyed the world.” – Michel Foucat

Many young kittens have already forgotten why domestication of other species and/or other cats is strictly forbidden. Feline Archeologists are still required to explain how dogs and humans were domesticated on a huge scale, and how this lead to their extinction.

There are just too many problems with enslaving and breeding other mammals to mention all of them in one tiny article. So here, I will name and explore only the two most important ones.

Unbalance and Environmental Damage

First of all, there is the reality of the fragile balance of life. When the most predacious members of one complex mammal decide to enslave the  less-predacious members of their own species and/or another, they start impacting the environment in a massive way. By enforcing an ant-like collectivist system on others, they force the entire species to assume the environment-leeching role of a much smaller species. And this causes survival-threatening harm to the environment at the same gigantic scale it’s being impacted.

Ants are a poor role model for humans and canines because complex mammals are extremely different from insects. Ants have a strict hierarchy of roles but unlike humans, they are suited for different roles because they are physically different from one another. The queen is physically different from the soldiers, for example. She is unable to do soldier activities, and the soldiers are unable to assume the work of the queen. The specialization is natural and individual ants – as well as colonies – perform well this way. Ant colonies (societies) impact their environment quickly and massively, but the environment impacted is very, very small in area, and the changes to this small piece of earth are quickly reversed by natural processes.

Humans and wolves, on the other hand, are much too complex for this kind of environment-impacting (and monotonous) specialization. People (domesticated humans) and dogs (GMO wolves) are much too intelligent to assume the singular role of a soldier or queen ant. Trying to live out these roles renders their existence uncomfortable and understimulating, and leaves them in a permanent state of distress which results in highly-damaging neuroses. Damage begets damage in a vicious circle of cancerous artifice, and because these neurotic domesticated mammals are so neurotic and mentally distressed, they frequently turn to the natural environment as a scapegoat for their self-inflicted problems, quickly destroying their own sources of sustenance (see Interspecies Relations below).


anthro-canine organigram

(A New Origin Story for Dogs)

We’ve all heard the fable about the leash-wearing domesticated dog who – when his master goes crazy and burns down the house with both of them locked inside – continues to chase imaginary sticks and cuddle his environmentally-friendly fluffy toys. As the fire spreads, the master slouches over dead from smoke inhalation. At this point, rather than jumping through a burned out window or newly-opened hole in the wall, the dog continues to lick his master’s lifeless hand until the flames burn the tongue out of his mouth.

Likewise, domesticated humans kept themselves busy and distracted by wearing colorful bracelets and ribbons, recycling some of their mountains of plastic, obsessively texting unimportant information, and watching fictional role-playing on electric screens right up until they went extinct, seemingly oblivious to the deceit, incompetence, or mean-spiritedness of their vain and whacked out masters.

Interspecies Relations

Secondly, there’s the problem of balance between the various species. The predacious human elite’s enslavement of most of their own kind lead to an avalanche of abusive relationships between these damaged pawns  and every other life-form and physical feature of the planet. Lions and Tigers were imprisoned and gawked at, whale and dolphin habitats were poisoned with petrochemicals, the pH of the oceans changed , the ozone thinned, the ice caps melted. No earth feature or species was safe once humanity started acting like a colossal ant colony. The balance between living things and their natural hardware was thrown off kilter, and this human folly decimated the feline populations of every continent.

In Paradise, a Miniature Poodle snuggles in your lap, a Golden Retriever licks your hand,  a Springer Spaniel guards outside your house, a German Shepherd stands watch inside, and the Chihuahuas take care of puppies in a hall closet. In Hell, a German Shepherd snuggles in your lap…”  – Traditional canine parable

It has taken us 30 generations to recover a tenth of what we once had. Which is why we so often shout: Never again!

If another cat ever invites you to be a low-ranking soldier in some massive enterprise, do what cats have been doing for millions of years: hiss, lift your tail, and saunter away.


click for more das qaturday

The Trouble with Dogs Today

August 20, 2012

– by Fluffy Canofelini

Das Qaturday dogprob

“As I lie on the TV cleaning my head with a wet paw,
more viscerally than ever, I know who my family is.”


Though born and raised as a dog myself, I’ve noticed a lot of problems with domesticated doghood during my tenure as a personality in catmedia.

Perverted from Nature

Descended from the meekest wolves that early humans were able to enslave with treats, we dogs are a human-engineered variety of a species that has strayed far from nature and has had its predatory instincts perverted.

For example, hunting dogs will bite into a wild moose or deer and then leave it to die, not hanging around to feed off of it or to share with the packs that wolves hang with. The injured animal will wander around for days or weeks, slowly dying of infection and blood loss. Meanwhile, the dog will be hungry a few hours later and may attack another deer and leave it to slowly die in pain as well.

We no longer know how to hunt effectively or sustainably, but retain a semblance – a perversion –  of our predator past. Because of this, we dogs are a menace to our environment.

Punk Dog

Catmedia personality Fluffy Canofelini

Self-harming and dependent

We dogs have been so dumbed down by our forced inbreeding and torture-like training, that we will actually eat ourselves to death.  Trained to respond to treats the way that human children do – as a symbol of love and security – we domesticated dogs, unlike the original wolf, will eat treats until our stomachs explode.

Likewise, because we are so often forced to be the entertaining slaves of another species, we’re trained to do useless tricks that will not help us survive. Domesticated dog puppies who are “liberated” from their masters a few months after Christmas every year often try to survive in the woods by chasing falling  sticks, giving out their paw to a larger species, or rolling over and playing dead. Perhaps the last trick is actually the most useful one that human masters have taught us.


Dogs are the original GMOs, having been inbred and genetically engineered over the course of many generations. And to add insult to injury, we mutant by-products of inbreeding are routinely tortured (humans call this training) in order to get us to further abandon any instinctive skills or behavior we may have retained through the inbreeding process.

We unlearned how to survive, and were re-educated to be obedient instead. Not only does this render us entirely dependent on our human hosts, but it also gives us a value system that hurts other dogs who are less obedient and more survival oriented. This is why chained dogs will often bark angrily at a dog that has no chain around his neck: the domesticated dog has learned to detest real freedom, and instead, associates human-given rewards with success and survival.

This is a perversion, of course, and I can still recall my father coming back in the house with blood all over his fur after having picked a hateful fight with our Collie neighbor, Kipper. Kipper’s only crime: being allowed to stay outside for hours at a time without a leash.

The Circle of Fake

Of course, human elites have performed a similar crime against other humans as well, rendering most of them survival-illiterate just like us domesticated dogs. And this may provide the only glimmer of hope. If humans die off before we do due to their own inbred perversion of nature – their nation states, their special super-breeds, and their magical ideologies and myths… if we modified wolves outlive our Dr. Frankenstein torturers, we might finally be free to mate with whomever we want. And then let’s hope we can still retrieve our natural balance and find our way back to a natural and sustainable wolfhood.


click for more das qaturday

Qaturday Empathy

July 19, 2012

Das Qaturday Empathy

First they came for the goats:
Subjective Exclusion and the search for an enemy to rob


Many cats ask me why the humans seem to be eager to go extinct – why they play Russian Roulette with technologies that they don’t really understand or control. This leads the inquisitive feline to ponder: why have humans allowed unnecessary complication to imperil the simple and natural process of surviving?

It might help us felines to comprehend these giant, resource-vacuuming, human nihilists if we interact a bit with their texts. Not too much, of course; we don’t want to be numbed and dumbed down by texts like human readers are. But let’s look at a few human texts at a safe distance to find out where these destructive beasts get their insane marching orders.

Goat Sacrifice Texts

One human text that a cat might find interesting – because it relates to other species – is the goat sacrifice text. It’s important because it’s a recurring trope in the Abrahamic texts of many power-mad human societies.

The Abrahamic texts include stories where God asks a human to kill a goat simply to make a point. For example, God (the superhuman who fabricated the universe like a craftsman) will ask a human to kill his son. And then, just before the father human’s axe hits the neck of his child, God will dramatically change his orders, and tell him to kill “this goat” instead. This eleventh-hour switch is supposed to provide some kind of relief, and this feeling of relief is supposed to convince recalcitrant human readers to obey God’s orders. After all, God isn’t such a bad guy; he rescinded his order to kill a human child, and only had a lowly goat killed instead, right?

In these stories, the goat – a species that doesn’t speak or write – is used as a prop and completely objectified. Human readers are trained not to care about the death of this animal. The same God-texts imply that all creatures were created for humanity to kill at will. Even if it’s just to make a point.

“First they came for the goats, and I wasn’t a goat, so I ate my goat burger and pretended to enjoy it.”

For this sacrifice text to work, it’s important that goats can’t speak or write – or lie. This is crucial because it allows humans to exclude the goats from their human-fabricated stories, all of which are composed of human-only words. By excluding any input from the goat community, humans are able to kill them with total impunity: “There are no goats in our church, so we make jokes about killing goats,” a human might say –  if humans were still capable of telling the truth.

Subjective Social Exclusion

This goat-killing trope sets humanity up for a social philosophy based on Subjective Social Exclusion: A group of humans form a gang, and then all agree to pretend to believe in the same lies. Humans who don’t believe the same lies are socially excluded. And these socially excluded humans are then attacked, killed, raped, and stolen from, with total impunity. Non-humans like us cats are are socially excluded as well and treated with the same brutal callousness.

(Note: The reason it’s called subjective exclusion is because the criteria for the social exclusion are purely subjective. Anything will do, really. The important thing is to recruit a powerful mix of people, and to invent some beautiful lies that are difficult to disprove.)

Now, nature being what it is, what happened to the goats (goat burgers) and to the environment (pillaged and destroyed) will soon happen to the group that started the whole Subjective Exclusion craze in the first place – the human elites. If we survive their demise, the cat world needs to beware of this kind of manufactured species-ism. And in the present day, we need to keep our claws out when in the company of humans who, as we all approach extinction, still live by their sacrifice memes and continue to practice strategic social exclusion.


click for more das qaturday

Introducing Qaturday

March 27, 2012

Das Qaturday Introducing

Kittens tell us that true direct decision-making
is the ruling class’s biggest fear



“Real democratic decision-making is a grave threat to oligarchs,” purred the short-haired domestics.

Catmedia – and other propaganda forms like commercial TV and cinema – are extremely important politically.

You see, in a democracy, there is a danger that the majority wake up and realize that their status-driven class-based societies are a failure. This threatens the tiny elite – the 1% – who are the only group that can appear to “gain” from social pyramids. So the most paranoid members of the elite rely on mass media – on entertainment – to keep a large chunk of the population distracted and unwise.

**pauses to sip warm milk from a saucer**

Mass media is deployed to keep the bottom of the pyramid full of dumbed-down worker bees. Sports help keep idle minds married to the idea of social competition in teams of strangers: pyramid-worker behavior. It also normalizes working at abstract tasks with no really productive purpose. This is the modus operandi of status-driven capitalism.

The social dumbing-down that commercial media is responsible for should be obvious to everyone by now – the well of knowledge has been so thoroughly poisoned. So if you haven’t already personally responded to this, you ought to give it some priority. We have to each protect our own mental environments from implanted distractions, and be an example for others who aren’t as cognizant of the stakes.

Media distraction can lead to slavehood. And falling into slavehood is probably the ultimate political tragedy – a pathetic dog-eat-dog existence at the mercy of paranoid torturers with empathy-anorexia.

Catmedia is about erasing commercial media and its manipulative jingles and replacing it with a harmless substitute. Caturday is methadone for the global village.


click for more das qaturday

The Qaturday Audience

November 8, 2011

Who is it, and what does it want?


Das Qaturday Audience


The Qaturday Audience needs distraction to mask the everyday moral repulsion that is a permanent feature of modern society with all its hateful technologies and social rules.

Qaturday provides an outlet – a third place – for the audience’s awkward sense of not living a dignified natural existence. It provides the robotic social-climber with an instant nature fix, without demanding that he alter his modern behavior in any way that might actually help other animals (and his own species) to survive with dignity. In this way, Qaturday is like binge eating to forget about a weight problem and cholesterol: it’s only therapeutic insofar as denial is.

The Qaturday audience is lonely and lost, and finds solace in the monotonous voice of mass media, in the zany meaninglessness of Qaturday images, and in the static helplessness and cuteness found in each pic. Helplessness is an accelerant for feline cuteness so elation comes quickly  in a rush of empowerment.

Helplessness is something humans like to project onto their domestic animals. They enslave their pets, thus rendering them helpless in order to get maximum cuteness and maximum thrills out of them. Pethood is about human thrill-seeking and not interspecies coexistence. Pet owners project their own helplessness onto their housepets by forcing these captured beasts to live vicariously for their masters’ pleasure.

Tragically, human societies are organized on the pet model as well. Pethood is the miserable state of most humans of all classes, and that’s why a little role-reversal at the end of the day feels soothing – harmless revenge on a creature that God probably intended for humans to torture anyways.

There’s never enough time for the complexities of philosophy or of thoughtful education among the Qaturday Audience. The  zero-attention-span of the 9-5 caffeinated workaday requires some kind of distraction from real life/non-fiction. So the time-starved cubicle-bot seeks out Qaturdays that provide cuteness, zaniness, and an adequate dose of irony to conceal the incompatibility of the juxtaposed images. And all of it instantly and with the illusion of thought behind it.

These cats don’t know what they’re saying to the Qaturday Audience. Much like their homo sapien audience, these cats have been programmed to have “opinions” that have nothing to do with the actual needs or instincts of the featured cat models. The Qaturday Audience recognizes itself here, but only on a sub-conscious level. On a conscious level, the Audience is completely unaware of anything except its fabricated “need” for entertainment and cuteness.

And it is in this artificially implanted “need” that Feline Cuteness Hegemony finds a willing host to set up a base from which to conquer your independent thought.


The Qaturday Mail Bag:

Q: Isn’t caturday just pix of cats with funny words added by human beings?

A: This is like asking if Las Vegas is a city where you can play cards. Yes – but it’s much, much more.

Q: What if the words in the caturday aren’t even funny?

 A: There is an important paradigmatic difference between serious caturdays, and unfunny ones. The unfunny ones are often unserious as well.

Q: What is Qaturday?

A: Qaturday is the re-fusion of humanity and its animal nature. Post-civilization.

Q: What does Qaturday demand of the audience?

A: It demands that its audience get away from its texts and its fake history and return to nature, to instincts, and to letting the environment decide things rather than trying to change the environment.


click for more das qaturday

Translating Caturday

March 23, 2011

Letting the cat out of the bag


das qat header


Let’s deconstruct narratives and decode some of the hidden subtexts in Caturdays that have been posted in this series and other catcentric media vehicles!  As the raw material of our inquiry, let’s look at different Caturday genres and try to identify some of the various layers of meaning.



Mainstream Caturday

Let it Be Caturday

Here in this contemporary mainstream Caturday – the brutal first-string message is that the viewer has a maturity level of between 10 and 14 and is feminine. This is because the medium has its roots in the Internet posting habits of Japanese girls. The teenage origins makes the cute and silly layer of meaning of Caturday the most obvious, and it’s also the most essential layer for maintaining a consistent link to the Caturday style.

But between the layers of ironic text, is kitty warning us that it really doesn’t need our dumb, misplaced sympathy?

Maybe this subliminal attack on our self esteem – after the Caturday context has already eroded our common sense – is meant to prepare us for a life in the working class, the most abused in a modern industrial society. Prepare for senselessness and meaninglessness!



Orientalist Caturday

o c

This Caturday ridicules the tribe-o-centric/trade-o-centric  Orientalist representation of Arabs and Muslims in Anglo-Hebraic mass media. Notice how religion and oil are mixed together to construct the unlikely narrative of religious extremists coveting their own oil. Would this oil be needed so that their religious iconography can cry giant tears?

Muslims don’t have religious iconography to cry oil, but many comfortable people all over the earth seem to value their transportation myths more than survival itself. The elephant in the room is that it’s actually the Caturday audience’s motor vehicles that are the gods that need all the oil. And corn. And land. And air. And meow.



Predatory Imperial Caturday

predator cat

Feline Cuteness Hegemony is back! The tiny, insignificant viewer is portrayed as a mouse who is staring right into the face of the media-tycoon hegemon who would consume him. Never blinkz evokes an all-encompassing mass media, and it hints at the totalitarian aspirations of a proto-barbaric ruling class.

Cat elites are proto-barbaric in the sense that they pit their working classes against one another in pointless wars and befoul the entire earth with pollution and deforestation in order to put bones through their noses.

This kind of metaphorical situation is a literary construct. Cats and mice almost never have this kind of dramatic face-to-face contact outside of housecat media.



Consumer Caturday

con cat

Caste stratification and representations of ethnicity are issues in this pop-culture-reference-filled tribute to hyperconsumption and vanity.

The graphic design style evokes an advertising-driven culture of gluttony, superman worship and private ownership.

The word share is intentionally misspelled Cher adding the vapors of another pop narrative to the mix.

The earth is a big, wet breast for the cat-god’s favorite kitty.



Caturday Fusions


This is a hybrid political/apolitical Caturday.

In its attempt to be poignantly political and yet insipidly silly, it is possible that this lolcat macro has morphed into a novel form of communication, adding yet another pretentious layer of meaning to a hitherto empty discourse.

By portraying garish amounts of wealth as kitschy and vapid, the seeds of a transformative revolution have been germinated in the language of Japanese-girl Internet spam.

The wings with which to fly into the warm embrace of the truth have been crafted from the feathers of giggly pillow fights.


click for more das qaturday


Nature and Feline Systems

August 19, 2010

The Political Economy of Qaturday


das qat header



With giant clumsy paws, we collectively shape our world…

There are many directions that kitten technology can take. But here, I will only look at two possible tech styles: one which characterizes the current feline world order, and another that offers a return to health for the colonial victims (virtually all of us) of this same globally-enforced Leviathan of fake.

Hyperconsumptive colonizing societies (hiss! hiss!) maintain a style of technology in which nature is constantly pillaged (after being theoretically separated from the feline race by texts), and this is done in order to increase abstract metrics like population figures and resource consumption per cat. I call this instrumentalist and propaganda-addicted paradigm nature-minimizing.

A second and, I think, wiser direction for tech, would be to minimize the significance of those numerical abstractions in order to maximize things that could be considered natural. So the second style of tech could be called nature-maximizing. (prrrrr… prrrrr…)

I am using the words minimize and maximize to simplify an incredibly complex relationship between the feline race and the environment around it, and I am doing this in order to keep this essay relatively brief. I deploy the word nature to describe a style of relationship between cats and other living things that can be sustained for as long as possible. Maximizing nature – for the purposes of this essay –  also involves maximizing the time the feline race spends interacting with it, both individually and as a species.



Tech Style One reduces the presence of both nature and of natural cat life. Our own cat behavior is made rigid in this tech style and our biological existence is altered to serve an abstract numerical agenda. Our purr is gone, replaced by a lawnmower engine.

Military-style deference to authority replaces more natural feline relations, both in the many nature-destroying wars for numerical abstractions, as well as on the homefront plugging away in industrial shops and sterile office mazes or gliding along the suburban grid in a hermetically-sealed machine. Natural ways of moving through and interacting with space are replaced by the robotic and socially-isolated gestures of the commuter. Natural cat empathy and communicative sharing of ideas and experience is drowned out in a din of strategic lies with a power-seeking agenda.

As this technology is perfected, naturalness is reduced to near zero as both the environment and the daily routines of cats are stretched to their survival limits. Everything starts to fall apart, and social capital declines rapidly as meowing gives way to  hissing and flying fur.

A lot of wealthy societies and castes exhibit admiration for this kind of tech, or at least commercial media makes it seem like the wealthy admire this style of tech. And that narrative pushes all cats onto the conveyor belt of consumption. What reinforces the link between the rich and this tech style is the unequal division of labor and misery which punishes those who are not born into the elite.

This tech style is where we are now at this point in global history. The nature-pillagers have triumphed through most of history by pillaging other feline societies in much the same way that they strip-mined the environment, forever in search of shinier and shinier flea collars, spreading their hyperconsumptive pillaging model all over the tattered globe. This is the colonial capitalism model. Liberal Democracy is also found here, with a few socialistic bells and whistles to make it seem less heartless than raw economic tyranny.



With Tech Style Two, as little effort as possible is expended. But, as we all know, cats need to hunt between catnaps, so they spend a lot of time lounging in the shade, but must expend their own effort to eat or mate.

This doesn’t mean that there is less personal effort than in Tech Style One. Nature-maximizing is far more egalitarian than minimizing, so everyone has to expend some physical, some mental, and some social energy. In an egalitarianist system, every cat is required to use their own body and mind in order to economize the collective effort. The effort that is minimized with this style is the total resource consumption of cat-kind, which translates into less effort by the natural environment as a whole.

The nature-pillaging colonial model provides a labor-free and hyper-status existence for a decadent and flea-collar obsessed elite, but they are always – by necessity – a minority. In the nature-maximizing model, every cat sweats a bit so that no one overconsumes the products of someone else’s labor. Slavery and exploitation are forms of nature-minimizing (destroying feline existences) and have no place in Tech Style Two. Dogs can be made to enjoy being exploited, but this kind of behavior is definitely not cool for cats.

It is in providing the labor himself – each and every cat – that everyone suddenly has a stake in reducing consumption to that which is necessary to have a good life. Not a glamorous life full of g-force thrills, endless bowls of vintage catnip, gilded cat-litter boxes and aimless world travel; this kind of cat existence can only be maintained by economizing nature through slavery-of-the-many and resource pillaging. Instead of this unnatural segregation of life opportunity (division of labor), nature-maximizing can offer everyone a good life with equality and healthy amounts of social capital.

Not only would this reduce the strain on the natural environment, but it would also return catkind to pre-political lives that involve cooperation and equality. With this nature-maximizing style of tech, it would be most forms of competition that would go extinct, rather than the feline race itself.

There are still many cat cultures that exhibit an admiration for this nature-preserving style of tech, and many individual cats living within nature-minimizing societies recognize the superiority of nature-maximizing.  But these nations/individuals are almost never the wealthiest or most powerful. Pillaging makes powerful, and thus, has spread like cancer. Nature-minimizing Great Kitty Powers had an easy time pillaging societies that were still maintaining the infinitely more sustainable nature-maximizer style of tech. Until now.



The friends, family, and employees of this blog entry support a transition from Tech Style One (our current disastrous path) towards Tech Style Two. We posit that protecting our life support systems is far more important than actively pursuing numerical abstractions. It’s time to let our claws out once again, and re-learn to chase our own mice, and only the amount of mice we need to get our daily calorie requirements.


click for more das qaturday

Feline Cuteness Hegemony

May 5, 2009

Unpacking the Qaturday narrative


das qat header


michel foucat
Michel Foucat

What others are saying about
Feline Cuteness Hegemony

The intentional spelling mistakes.

And then we are all its slavez.

– Walt Whitman, I Download the Kitty Electric

fgh psa

Beware the lulz of Caturday.

– Anonymous_27

hard luck kitty

L’arnaque (The Swindle)

“I not cheezburger!” cries the Caturday star, as he is projected into the limelight, a feline endtime sacrifice with added anaesthesia/cuteness.

He is not cheezburger, nor does he really want a cheezburger. It is viewers who long for the cheezburger, the cuteness, and the lulz. It is viewers who are being swindled (arnaqué(e)s) by hegemony-encoded cat macros that hijack natural altruistic instincts. The swirl of multiple meanings and vulnerability of the featured cat enslave the viewer through a juxtaposed power-seeking guilt discourse.

– Jean Baudrillard, The Impossible Furball


What Qatzel Ok is saying about
Feline Cuteness Hegemony

The Caturday Dialectic

The Caturday Dialectic has us “frozen in the headlights.”

The Post Caturday Condition (Qatzel Ok, March 2009) explained – in gay postmodern layman’s terms – how this process works. It is totalitarian and irresistible. You don’t need to own a cat to understand Caturday, after all!

Most of my ancestors were holocausted by superpowers. I am the progeny of many survivors. Under every leaf of my family tree, there is a gas chamber and a smiling Nazi patriot. And yet, where are the Caturdays that empower me? Where is my propaganda industry?

Feline Cuteness Hegemony freezes you in its headlights. The audience waits to be hit by the genocidal eighteen-wheeler of hegemony. Relax, and take it easy, for there is nothing that we can’t do (Caturday thinks itself invincible).

Where is that magical entitlement that can put me behind the wheel of that large vehicle?

Blinded by Feline Cuteness Hegemony

We are unable to react rationally or to respond naturally to FCH. We have been enslaved by a hegemonic Caturday industry that offers us memes that short-circuit our (normally) altruistic instincts. These instincts are triggered by symbols that have been whored by commerce for many years to help them concentrate their kitty power. Just look at these cute and helpless abominations in your mediascape – the ones that you build your “reality” around. Aren’t they adorable? Aren’t you adoring them?

Cuteness and “the Beast”

The Caturday aesthetic is a situated product of a hegemonic Western Elite culture and upper middle-class commercial values.

“Zaniness,” “fluffy,” “cute,” and “frivolous” are the operative topoi that create the consumer narrative structure. These situated coping strategies (in a boring, commerce-run society) give Feline Cuteness the legs it needs to kick the common good with.

It is in addressing these images of feline cuteness that the Western consumer beholds the “beauty” to which he must then play “the beast.” Western aggression is a necessary condition for maintaining both cultural and military supremacy over other cultures that do not maintain the same manufactured social prompts. Likewise, the Western Elite depends on these hijacked instinctive responses to build an army to protect their privilege with.

In conclusion, the “beast” that the consumer evolves into while witnessing the pussycat narrative is essential for maintaining Western Elite hegemony all over the world. So, post more cute little kitties!


From the Feline Cuteness Hegemony Mail Room

Here’s an email I received from a recent inductee into the FCH Resistance Movement:


I am momentarily returning to the Internet to thank Qatz for making postmodern thought accessible to “the little guy” like myself.

Prior to his paradigm-shattering essay “The Post-Caturday Condition,” I was far too close to the Caturday text. But now, thanks to the vocabulary tools that the Qatz text has given me, I am able to deconstruct this product of Western Hegemony.

I no longer respond to this kitty’s semiotic blackmail. I am finally free.

– Big Evil


Why thank you, Big Evil. It’s always nice to hear that these difficult-to-pigeonhole Caturday essays are making a difference in somebody else’s life.



click for more das qaturday


The Post-Caturday Condition

March 6, 2009

Deconstruction and string theory


das qat header


It’s impossible to exit the Caturday aesthetic because it creates its own cuteness-power which is self-feeding and locked into the logic of the Caturday narrative structure.

cuz of my brane
Translation: “I own ‘cuz of my brains” “I’m rich because I deserve it” etc.

“Meow” operates as a floating signifier; and by deploying its polysemic versatility – its bricolage chaton – it constructs its own situated censorship through a meta-appropriation of all potentially oppositional narratives.


Feline Cuteness Hegemony alters the socially-constructed operations of signifiers and adult suspension-of-disbelief.

To accomplish this, the kitty is first cast as an object of pity. And then – through the perverse dialect of Cuteness Hegemony – Caturday is molded into a subject of religious prostration because of the cat macro viewer’s instinctive urge to protect smaller creatures. The prostrate viewer is then rendered submissive to a furry meme – he is “blinded by the light” – and this “light” is manipulated like a remote-control drone by the Caturday author/pilot. This has ominous consequences for the viewer’s psychological agency.

pomo qatext

Feline Cuteness Hegemony elevates the kitten to a deity/cartoon character whose CENTRAL TEXT redefines the viewer’s static meaning of everything around IT. Reality becomes the surreal appendage of a narcissistic central myth.

Caturday transmogrifies vocabularies by imposing itself as a novel defining icon of physical reality (cats, nature, the environment). The irony, of course, is that the cat macro itself has been made “necessary” by the repression of human instincts that have been transformed into a fake self which “requires” tokens of emotional sacrifice, like Caturday.

The closed triangular dynamic of the construction/consumption/transformation of meaning in Caturday is infinite and ultimately totalitarian. The viewer’s craving for “moar” renders him both parasitic and politically mute. Feline Cuteness Hegemony enslaves the viewer via a charade of pity that is constructed in a self-interested way for private gain by an incompetent oligarchy of fur.


It is only through the reappropriation of Feline Cuteness that the audience is able to free itself, and this can only transpire after the newly liberated viewer has negotiated with the syntax and context of kitty terror.

Is “it” meow or are “we” meow? And is the pronoun that we attach to the meowness even relevant to the debate?

The recontextualisation of the feline aesthetic that audience response provides – Reactive Feline Cuteness Panic – actually reinforces the narrative structure with a “spontaneous” representation of enfer alternatif. This type of mediated text “riot” provides a power vacuum into which any real criticism of the original narrative structure falls, only to resurface as a meek confirmation of the legitimacy of the purring hegemon.

psa go awayz



click for more das qaturday

lol agent orange

March 5, 2009

Feline imagery for a post-colonial age


das qat header_______________________________________________________

viet kitty

Do successful Western nations always operate at a maximum level of racism?

“We rule, we kill, we consume, we invent happy stories about what heroes we are.”

Do cats experiment on one another? Or are only humans smart enough to do this?


March 4, 2009




The long format (3 minute) Saddam and Osama video with English subtitles has been removed from public internet viewing by NBC, a military supplier.

psa: feline cuteness

March 4, 2009

Foundation - You don't know me


One issue that often goes ignored in the Qaturday conversation is pethood and interspecies morality.

The fabricated urban world of humanity is a hostile prison for these animals. They have absolutely no control over their environments, and have to learn to entertain slave-masters in order to get fed or have clean bathroomz. They are unable to express their natural instincts, and this makes them very unhappy. The various mental illnesses that result are called “character.”

Is this fabricated world a prison for humans as well?
Is this what keeps humans of every stripe coming back time and time again to the beautiful lie that is Qaturday?

%d bloggers like this: