Michel Foucat interviews Wile E. Coyote

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“The wolf is represented as a despicable creature so that its lifestyle can be destroyed with impunity by fable-brainwashed humans.”
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MF: Welcome to the show, Mr. Coyote. Now, a lot of the dog breeds we know seem to resemble the wolf. I’m thinking of the Husky and German Shepherd, for example. Have wolves historically been tempted to try a life of domesticated doghood? Perhaps on a temporary basis at first, perhaps guarding some kind of human outpost temporarily for an isolated human pioneer type?

WC: Not on your life. On the surface, it probably looked tempting to many naive wolves because of the reputed longer lifespan of the house dog. But what exactly did this long, long life entail? Sitting on a Disney-themed cushion all day in a human house that smells like antiseptic cleaning products and overly-prepared food? The final response was always an overwhelming no thanks. Prison is prison, and a longer life in one is just a longer sentence.

MF: Well, as a feline that comes from a long line of alley cats, I can relate to what you’re saying.

*smiles and sips a glass of water*

But what about all the human texts about what a dangerous and possibly lethal brute your species was to humans when they existed? I realize human stories about all other animals were always exaggerated and self-serving to their nature-loathing elites. But why was the wolf feared in a particularly strong way by that propaganda-addicted species for so long?

WC: It was mostly about being scapegoated for human enslavement to their own elites and their artifice. Humans always felt vaguely scared and unsatisfied, and their elites were afraid they would end up blaming them. So they got them to blame other species instead. One of their most powerful tools was their texts, of course. And there were a lot of really incendiary human texts written about wolves.

MF: You’re talking about Little Red Riding Hood and the Three Little Pigs, for example?

WC: Yeah. Particularly Riding Hood. Her “cookies for grandma” persona and hot-button “red coat” made her a portrait of the totally innocent victim of evil. And of course, the wolf plays that evil role so that both her and her grandmother look angelic by comparison. Pure evil versus pure goodness, featuring a red coat. The product placement ought to be a tell-tale sign of where this story is going.

MF: You were saying during the commercial break that wolves rarely killed or even approached humans if it was avoidable.

WC: Uh-huh. The only two scenarios that would have lead to a wolf attacking a human were either 1. a female would find her cubs in danger and would lash out to protect them – perfectly normal for all species. Or, 2. A human would attempt to steal the prey of a pack of hungry wolves before they had finished eating it. Humans called this prey “surplus labor” when they stole it from other humans.

MF: Yes, and how is this “surplus labor” concept related to the fables you mentioned?

WC: The wolf is represented as a despicable creature so that its lifestyle can be destroyed with impunity by fable-brainwashed humans. This allowed humans to cut down our forests to build strip malls and suburban bungalows with no other purpose other than to destroy our habitats and, ultimately, our existence.

MF: Yes, a very twisted wordview indeed. To end on a positive note, would you like to tell us about the altered versions of Red Riding Hood that your fifth grade students proposed as better and more accurate moral tales?

WC: Well, I’ll just share the winning one with the audience. Clarence Cano submitted that the story would end with the wolf warning Red Riding Hood that her grandmother had type A diabetes, and that the high-fat, high-sugar cookies were a potential threat to her health. Riding Hood then hits him over the head with her iron basket, and runs off to poison her grandmother with the cookies. Later, when the police arrive to perform an autopsy, it’s revealed that Riding Hood was the old lady’s only heir.

MF: Well Mr. Wile E. Coyote, thanks for coming in to talk to us here at Das Qaturday.

WC: It was my pleasure. I’m a huge fan, Michel.

*audience applauds*

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Domestication and Survival

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“Humans and wolves are too multidimensional to tolerate
a life of environment-impacting specialization.
Ants thrive like this, yes. But not complex mammals.”
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“Enslave another and you have enslaved yourself and destroyed the world.” – Michel Foucat

Many young kittens have already forgotten why domestication of other species and/or other cats is strictly forbidden. Feline Archeologists are still required to explain how dogs and humans were domesticated on a huge scale, and how this lead to their extinction.

There are just too many problems with enslaving and breeding other mammals to mention all of them in one tiny article. So here, I will name and explore only the two most important ones.

Unbalance and Environmental Damage

First of all, there is the reality of the fragile balance of life. When the most predacious members of one complex mammal decide to enslave the  less-predacious members of their own species and/or another, they start impacting the environment in a massive way. By enforcing an ant-like collectivist system on others, they force the entire species to assume the environment-leeching role of a much smaller species. And this causes survival-threatening harm to the environment at the same gigantic scale it’s being impacted.

Ants are a poor role model for humans and canines because complex mammals are extremely different from insects. Ants have a strict hierarchy of roles but unlike humans, they are suited for different roles because they are physically different from one another. The queen is physically different from the soldiers, for example. She is unable to do soldier activities, and the soldiers are unable to assume the work of the queen. The specialization is natural and individual ants – as well as colonies – perform well this way. Ant colonies (societies) impact their environment quickly and massively, but the environment impacted is very, very small in area, and the changes to this small piece of earth are quickly reversed by natural processes.

Humans and wolves, on the other hand, are much too complex for this kind of environment-impacting (and monotonous) specialization. People (domesticated humans) and dogs (GMO wolves) are much too intelligent to assume the singular role of a soldier or queen ant. Trying to live out these roles renders their existence uncomfortable and understimulating, and leaves them in a permanent state of distress which results in highly-damaging neuroses. Damage begets damage in a vicious circle of cancerous artifice, and because these neurotic domesticated mammals are so neurotic and mentally distressed, they frequently turn to the natural environment as a scapegoat for their self-inflicted problems, quickly destroying their own sources of sustenance (see Interspecies Relations below).

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(A New Origin Story for Dogs)

We’ve all heard the fable about the leash-wearing domesticated dog who – when his master goes crazy and burns down the house with both of them locked inside – continues to chase imaginary sticks and cuddle his environmentally-friendly fluffy toys. As the fire spreads, the master slouches over dead from smoke inhalation. At this point, rather than jumping through a burned out window or newly-opened hole in the wall, the dog continues to lick his master’s lifeless hand until the flames burn the tongue out of his mouth.

Likewise, domesticated humans kept themselves busy and distracted by wearing colorful bracelets and ribbons, recycling some of their mountains of plastic, obsessively texting unimportant information, and watching fictional role-playing on electric screens right up until they went extinct, seemingly oblivious to the deceit, incompetence, or mean-spiritedness of their vain and whacked out masters.

Interspecies Relations

Secondly, there’s the problem of balance between the various species. The predacious human elite’s enslavement of most of their own kind lead to an avalanche of abusive relationships between these damaged pawns  and every other life-form and physical feature of the planet. Lions and Tigers were imprisoned and gawked at, whale and dolphin habitats were poisoned with petrochemicals, the pH of the oceans changed , the ozone thinned, the ice caps melted. No earth feature or species was safe once humanity started acting like a colossal ant colony. The balance between living things and their natural hardware was thrown off kilter, and this human folly decimated the feline populations of every continent.

In Paradise, a Miniature Poodle snuggles in your lap, a Golden Retriever licks your hand,  a Springer Spaniel guards outside your house, a German Shepherd stands watch inside, and the Chihuahuas take care of puppies in a hall closet. In Hell, a German Shepherd snuggles in your lap…”  – Traditional canine parable

It has taken us 30 generations to recover a tenth of what we once had. Which is why we so often shout: Never again!

If another cat ever invites you to be a low-ranking soldier in some massive enterprise, do what cats have been doing for millions of years: hiss, lift your tail, and saunter away.

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The Trouble with Dogs Today

– by Fluffy Canofelini

“As I lie on the TV cleaning my head with a wet paw,
more viscerally than ever, I know who my family is.”
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Though born and raised as a dog myself, I’ve noticed a lot of problems with domesticated doghood during my tenure as a personality in catmedia.

Perverted from Nature

Descended from the meekest wolves that early humans were able to enslave with treats, we dogs are a human-engineered variety of a species that has strayed far from nature and has had its predatory instincts perverted.

For example, hunting dogs will bite into a wild moose or deer and then leave it to die, not hanging around to feed off of it or to share with the packs that wolves hang with. The injured animal will wander around for days or weeks, slowly dying of infection and blood loss. Meanwhile, the dog will be hungry a few hours later and may attack another deer and leave it to slowly die in pain as well.

We no longer know how to hunt effectively or sustainably, but retain a semblance – a perversion –  of our predator past. Because of this, we dogs are a menace to our environment.

Catmedia personality Fluffy Canofelini

Self-harming and dependent

We dogs have been so dumbed down by our forced inbreeding and torture-like training, that we will actually eat ourselves to death.  Trained to respond to treats the way that human children do – as a symbol of love and security – we domesticated dogs, unlike the original wolf, will eat treats until our stomachs explode.

Likewise, because we are so often forced to be the entertaining slaves of another species, we’re trained to do useless tricks that will not help us survive. Domesticated dog puppies who are “liberated” from their masters a few months after Christmas every year often try to survive in the woods by chasing falling  sticks, giving out their paw to a larger species, or rolling over and playing dead. Perhaps the last trick is actually the most useful one that human masters have taught us.

Franken-species

Dogs are the original GMOs, having been inbred and genetically engineered over the course of many generations. And to add insult to injury, we mutant by-products of inbreeding are routinely tortured (humans call this training) in order to get us to further abandon any instinctive skills or behavior we may have retained through the inbreeding process.

We unlearned how to survive, and were re-educated to be obedient instead. Not only does this render us entirely dependent on our human hosts, but it also gives us a value system that hurts other dogs who are less obedient and more survival oriented. This is why chained dogs will often bark angrily at a dog that has no chain around his neck: the domesticated dog has learned to detest real freedom, and instead, associates human-given rewards with success and survival.

This is a perversion, of course, and I can still recall my father coming back in the house with blood all over his fur after having picked a hateful fight with our Collie neighbor, Kipper. Kipper’s only crime: being allowed to stay outside for hours at a time without a leash.

The Circle of Fake

Of course, human elites have performed a similar crime against other humans as well, rendering most of them survival-illiterate just like us domesticated dogs. And this may provide the only glimmer of hope. If humans die off before we do due to their own inbred perversion of nature – their nation states, their special super-breeds, and their magical ideologies and myths… if we modified wolves outlive our Dr. Frankenstein torturers, we might finally be free to mate with whomever we want. And then let’s hope we can still retrieve our natural balance and find our way back to a natural and sustainable wolfhood.

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